At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
