Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
