1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
