Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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