Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
