Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
