I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
