She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
