I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
