Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the day after is always just damage control
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
