Cold hands, warm shart.
Already got asked if we're dating
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
