What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
