I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
