The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
