Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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