I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
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Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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