she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
