Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
