She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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