You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
