I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Im part way to drunk.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
