Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
