The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
