theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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