At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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