It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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