are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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