Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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