Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
