I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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