The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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