Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
