Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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