I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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