Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
