so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
