i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
