where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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