Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My vagina just clenched in fear
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
