Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
