So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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