my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
