absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
