TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
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I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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