I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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