Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
