Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
