please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
