If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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