Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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