Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
