somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
