he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize