Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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