I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
