Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
