i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
